Elisa Elkin-Cleary, LICSW and Cultural Care Au Pair Program Counselor, offers some great advise on how to develop a strong relationship with your au pair:
The relationship with your au pair is an important one for your family and for you, as a working parent. It can be wonderful but also complicated. As with any working relationship, it is important to discuss and reach agreement about key issues. This process is especially important for a live-in helper who participates in family life while providing an important service. An intentional and organized effort to communicate expectations for roles and boundaries can prevent many problems, while providing a solid foundation for any issues that do arise.
While you will begin your au pair’s orientation by reviewing your child’s personality and temperament, preferences and routines, and by providing practical life training on the use of the household appliances, you will also want to establish common understanding about the topics listed below. You will need to revisit these issues weekly during the first month, and then in subsequent daily and monthly check-ins to maintain clear communication.
Clarify needs regarding food: allergies, preferences, personal, religious and cultural issues.
Define what kind of activities are acceptable and which are not.
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Can the au pair paint with the child, and if so, where is an acceptable place to do this activity?
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What are the family practices for television and video-game viewing? Can the children watch television or play with video games? If so, how much and what can they view?
Provide a schedule for the typical week, clarifying the au pair’s responsibilities. It is important that the au pair is provided the three mandatory orientation days with one of the parents as a training tool.
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State what you would like the au pair to do during the morning routine and evening routines, as well as guidelines for what you would like to happen if the children are at home all day. For example, which park is okay to visit?
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Discuss driving needs to and from the children’s organized activities.
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Discuss what help you need for the children’s meal preparation.
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Define roles. David Elkind writes: “…because parents share child rearing with so many non-family members, it is not always easy to keep the roles clear.” (The Power of Play, p.74)
Make a list of your expectations for the au pair.
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Define the au pair’s role while you are home. What time will you consider the au pair to be officially working? When, during the day, will you as parent take over as the official caretaker?
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If you work from home, define for yourself how you would like conflicts to be handled and if you will have a role in handling conflicts during your official work hours. Then share this plan with the au pair, and with both of you present, define this for the children. For example, “When Mommy has the “I’m at work” sign turned on the door, I am working and can not be disturbed. Janice will help you with anything you need, and if you have a disagreement, you need to work it out with Janice. If there is an emergency, Janice will come get me or send one of you.”
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If there are two parents, discuss how you will communicate with the au pair to provide consistency and clarity. Much like you might do with your own children, identify who is the point person to answer questions or concerns that the au pair may have, and for key issues, wait for the designated weekly meeting time to have a discussion with all adults present.
Discuss what constitutes free time for the au pair.
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Can the au pair’s free time be spent at the house? Can the au pair have friends over? If of a legal age, can the au pair drink alcohol in a responsible and reasonable manner in your home?
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Clarify how you will define family time and when the au pair is invited to be a part of family activities.
A new relationship is filled with hope, excitement, anxiety and expectations. A structured approach to beginning and maintaining the relationship will set the tone in promoting and nurturing this relationship. As you get to know each other and share experiences, the communication and understanding you have established and maintained will form a successful relationship for both the au pair and your family.
